In scenes that have shocked American politics, “Papa” Donald Trump has withdrawn his bid to be Republican Candidate for Presidency and decided to run for the position as First Minister for Northern Ireland.
At a press conference he laid out his agenda, referred to by some current politicians as “positively mild” compared to current laws that are in place in NI:
“We’re going to build a big beautiful wall 45ft tall between the North and South and the south will be paying for it!”
He announced, as a room full of disillusioned Ex-DUP supporters whooped and hollered before starting to fight each other for no good reason.
He also announced plans to legalise guns for every citizen saying:
“If every citizen was armed then the troubles would never have started,” as the crowd fell silent he also added “and we’re legalizing bombs too, I just thought of that, yes bombs too!”
Other plans he announced were to change the name of Stormont to Trumpmont and re-naming NI’s favourite crisps to Trumpayto. When a female reporter asked where his manifesto was for us to see he tapped his head and said: “It’s all up here toots, now run along and get Papa Trump some coffee” when she offered further that you don’t actually run for first minister ‘per se’ he retorted “well you do now get used to it!”.
He also quipped that he thought our current Abortion and gay marriage laws were “a bit much” but they were a step in the right direction. In light of Trumps actions the current government have temporarily re-enacted the 1988 Broadcast ban on anything trump says so UTV favourite Julian Simmons has been drafted in to dub any of Trumps future announcements as seen in the video below.
